i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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