I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
