Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
