If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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