From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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