I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
should my penis look like a turkey
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
