Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
