started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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