My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
