lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
