just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
