How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
