Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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