I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
