She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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