Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
