The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
