I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
