I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
