If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
