we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think I am morally bankrupt
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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