He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
