my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
