she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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