it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
