I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
