Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
