I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
someone owes me an orgasm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
