And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
