Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
