i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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