I cannot find my penis.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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