the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
