you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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