The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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