All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
