I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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