So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
