I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
