I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
