That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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