i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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