Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
