You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
