I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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