wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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