Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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