grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
