how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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