Can i not drive my cunt home
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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